If I Had Won The Lottery

Two or three years ago the California Mega Millions jackpot was something ridiculous, I think in the low 300 millions. It had been a while since I had taken any huge risks in my life and I was dying for a crazy adrenaline rush as well as angry that I was working part for shitty pay. So 3 days after payday I went to the bank and withdrew every dollar I had gotten paid for the whole month which totaled about $1,500. I had this custom of buying lotto tickets for my grandmother and buying her tickets at the gas station by her retirement home. I had been there so much the guy knew me, we were kind of friends. We both had shitty jobs and talked about them all the time. So there I am, about 2 hours before the drawing. I tell him “Dude, I got a feeling, I know the Mega Number is going to be 42. I wanna go all in on it.”

The guy laughed and said “No man, you don’t wanna do that, you’ll be fucked the rest of the month.”

I insisted I had a good feeling about it, but he insisted. I let him talk me out of buying $1,500 in tickets. I said I would be back for the drawing after I visited my grandma, with just $5 in tickets, none of them with the mega as 42. At about 8 or 9 PM I came back to him and looked for the winning lottery numbers. Guess what came up as the Mega Number? FORTY FUCKING TWO! I blew it, that was my chance. It was my once chance to win the lottery. It was as if fate said “You do or die right now.” And I just about died. I felt so much regret in the pit of my stomach that day and thought about everything I would do if I had taken home roughly a quarter of a billion dollars.

I would never waste time again
I would hire a personal assistant so that I would never waste any of my time again. This person would order things for me on Amazon, take care of my laundry, remind me of things. You know, typical assistant stuff. Most importantly of all, this person would download all the videos I want to see on the internets, namely Starcraft VODS.

I would pay to have a professional create an entertainment system based in the cloud that synced up with all of my cars, through my whole house, and my PC. I hate listening to one podcast, coming home, then having to figure out where I left off. All of those devices would talk to each other constantly, letting them know where I left off. Also, speakers in all the rooms of my house connected to this cloud.

Creature Comforts
I would never wear the same pair of socks more than twice. I think once is just a little too greedy. I would definitely go with these Puma socks as long as they’re around.



I would hire a part time chef to prepare healthy foods I hate like broccoli and kale to be as tasty as possible.

I would buy food, take a bite just to taste, and then not care what happens to the rest. I overeat because sometimes it costs $6, $7, $10 to try something and I hate to throw the rest away. That ends the day I win the lottery.

I would have a massage almost every day by a beautiful woman.

I would go visit Dr. Night’s or another one like it and have threesomes and foursomes and fivesomes.
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I would have permanent access to all of my favorite porn sites. I would never see a Livejasmin ad again.


I would set up college funds for all the kids in my family. I would then set aside two to three million dollars in a trust fund that would pay for college for all my future friends and family.

I would ask /r/AskScience to help me spend 10 million on a scientific research project that could change the world.

I would donate money to my high school’s technology and science programs.

I would buy this house:http://www.remax.com/realestatehomesforsale/2202-pacific-coast-huntington-beach-ca-92648-gid100008973075.html?lid=149242640 This is Huntington Beach, I walk by this house a lot in the Summer when I go body surfing. This is a great chill house, parties, has a balcony, beach view, everything I’ve always dreamed of. I would cap off the top balcony with a PC so I can stare at the ocean while I game or browse Reddit.

I can just see myself sitting on the balcony, browsing Reddit, then going down to body surf for a while and bringing my dog

I would rent a small apartment in San Francisco, Los Angeles, and New York. Say, 2k a month rent each. I would split my time between those cities, largely following the weather I like.


I would fund the creation of an SC2 high school league, with bus trips, official rules, etc. My goal would be to make the United States the leader in Esports athletes.

I’ve always wanted to open up a restaurant that farmed as much of their own food as possible. There is a large, vacant field in my town that has been for sale for over a decade. I would start there and slowly build it out.

I’ve been selling things online for years, but never took it seriously. I would test out some of my crazier ideas just to see if they would work.

I would start my own SC2 team, but one of the players would have to play as Random in all tournaments as a condition of their employment.


I don’t think I would want my own movie theater, I sort of like having a reason to get out of my house and walk around. But I would definitely have a large screen TV. I would walk into a few different stores and pick out the best looking screen.

1991 Honda Civic Hatchback Manual – Restored, and I would work on it a lot. Oh, I would also get a lift and modest garage.

Dodge Challenger – These things look a little bit like a stealth bomber. I like that.

Toyota Tacoma – I like trucks, but big trucks aren’t fun to drive. A Tacoma is just right.

Toyota Matrix – I like doing things. Hiking, beach, sports. This would be my “I can get it smelly and not care car.”

Subaru STI – This is going to be my fun car. Always wanted one of these since Gran Turismo I on Playstation.

Genuine Kobe Beef – I went to Japan 10 years ago, not trying a genuine Kobe beef steak is my biggest mistake. I would fix that in a snap.

Anesthesia every time I go to the dentist – I fucking hate the dentist.

Find the most comfortable boxers in the world, these will suffice for now.

Production Studio – I would want to own a small video production studio in a discrete part of Los Angeles for recording podcasts, shows, about esports, and filming / editing small cameras. I would make this equipment largely free and available to the public as much as possible.

I would have 5 nice suits from the people who supply Stephen Colbert his wardrobe for the Colbert Report.


I would be jet-set. Lunch in Vegas? Weekend in Seattle? A night in Cabo? let’s go. I would leave to go anywhere at the drop of a hat.

I would roadtrip for a month every year. I’ve always had this dream of being that guy from Into the Wild, but having a little more change in my pockets. I would love to spend a month living in Alaska, but with a few more creature comforts than he had. Writing, listening to music, reading. Looking at stars. Just feeling the dirt on my feet, really.

Once in a Lifetime Experiences

A Million Dollar Night in Vegas

I love movies based in Vegas that center around gambling; whether its Ocean’s 11 or 21, if a movie has that classic shot with a stack of chips being moved from one side of a table to another, I’m pretty much in. I would get a tuxedo, drive up to the Bellagio in a half million dollar sports car, and head over to the craps table. I would plop down a million dollars in cash (or you probably have to have this all arranged in advance) and plop down $10,000 on the pass line, $5k on the hard ways, $20k on the come.

I would finish off my night in at a club, drinking the most expensive alcohol they had. Probably buying lap dances for anyone that wanted to join me. I would wake up and get a $5.99 stack of pancakes and sausage from whatever breakfast place was serving it.

Well, that’s it for now. I have big dreams, I know I’ll get to do some of these things someday. :)

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